I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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