Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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