Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
