I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I love having hate sex.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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