God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
please come you make the beer taste better
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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