life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
