there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
