My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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