I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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