We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
