Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
