my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
