my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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