He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
