One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
