Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
