weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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