I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
