the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
