I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
