just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
