An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
