I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
