So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
