I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
