so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
