I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
