Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
