I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
