I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Text me some of your sweat
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
