when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
