i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Randomize
