piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
