Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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