let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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