I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
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