Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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