i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
