Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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