i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
