Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
