If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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