come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
