my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
