I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
