god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
