I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You've changed since you got that strap on
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
