so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
