When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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