why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
